Current mood:

aggravated

I'm trying so hard to be content here. I'm trying so hard to make the best of my living situation, work as much as I can so I'm not home so much, and deal with living in a house that feels less and less like my own home and more and more like "that place I live in."

But it's virtually impossible to be completely happy living here anymore. I've gotten so used to living on my own, coming and going as I please, not having to answer to anyone else's rules. My mother has gotten used to living on her own again and doing things around the house the way she wants them done. We're both used to doing things our own way, and we're clashing in the worst of ways.

I'm not content with being 22 years old and being told I can't have a pet rabbit because my mom doesn't want it. I'm not content with my mother being on my back constantly about doing things around the house. I find myself rushing to get chores done before my mom gets home from work so I don't have to listen to her complain about how nothing ever gets done in this house and I need to start doing more chores if I don't want to pay rent. Which is completely understandable, and completely doable. I just don't think she understands that she and I run different schedules and just because I don't get all my cleaning done before 10am, doesn't mean I'm not going to do it at all.

What irks me more than anything, however, is my mother's constant complaining. I never hear anything out of her mouth that does not have some negative connotation to it. Whether it's about money, the house, cleaning, dishes, weight, whatever, it doesn't matter. She's constantly complaining about it. I'm constantly hearing about how the washer's broken, there's dishes to be done, she doesn't fit into her pants anymore, the dogs are getting to be too much, she can't remember anything anymore ... there's ALWAYS SOMETHING. Half the time I think she sets things up to go wrong, just so she has something to complain about. And it takes all of me, ALL OF ME, not to start screaming at her to shut up and fucking deal with it. I don't want to do that, because I don't want to hurt her feelings. But sometimes it just becomes TOO much and I can't stand it.

I love my mom, I really really do. But it's obvious that it's come to a point where we have to live apart in order to have a functioning relationship. I don't smile that much when I'm home, and a few times my mother has asked why I look so pissed off. I want to say, "Because I hate it here," but that would be so beyond insulting and mean and vindictive. But I can't help it if it's the truth.